[Ranma][Fanfic] Ranma 1/2 - How Many Fiancees Are Too Many? ======================================================================= It was a beautiful summer day at the Tendo household. Unfortunately, the Tendos and Saotomes were not enjoying the beautiful day. In fact, most of them were quite angry. Why, you ask? Ranma had yet another fiancee. Need I explain more? "Ranma, arenÕt you lucky to be so loved?" Kasumi questioned, sweetly. "Sure, just what I need," Ranma griped. "How many does that make now, anyway?" "I lost count," Nabiki replied, flatly. "So shut up and let me count them in peace!" Akane just fumed. "Baka." ======================================================================= Ranma 1/2 - How Many Fiancees is Too Many? Ranma 1/2 characters and situations created by Rumiko Takahashi, used without permission Ranma 1/2 Copyright by Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakan Inc., Kitty, Fuji, Viz Communications Ranma 1/2 - How Many Fiancees Are Too Many? story created and written by Jim Lazar Ranma 1/2 - How Many Fiancees Are Too Many? story Copyright 1998 by Jim Lazar "Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese." E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com My other FanFiction can be found at: http://www.animeprime/ff Some Japanese words that appear in this story: Baka = stupid, idiot, jerk (take your pick, they all apply to Ranma sometimes) ======================================================================= Ranma looked very depressed, he walked towards the Tendo dojo with Akane. Akane was angry. Well... angrier than normal. "How do you do it?" Akane asked. "I didn't ask for any of them!" Ranma insisted. "Who would ask for all the grief my fiancees have caused me!" "What about me?" "I could do with less malleting from my first fiancee," Ranma commented. "I just can't believe how one person can collect so many fiancees, at the same time no less!" "If I knew a way to get out of these engagements, I'd do it!" Akane reflected, angrily. The door to the dojo opens and Nabiki comes out carrying a clipboard. "Okay, we have it mostly figured out. Here's the full list," Nabiki informed them. She handed Ranma the clipboard. "Are you sure these are all my fiancees?" Ranma asked, flipping through the many pages on the clipboard. "Yup. It lists their names, dates of engagement, gender-" Ranma flinched at that point in Nabiki's recital. "-and net worth," she finished, with a smile. Akane took the clipboard from Ranma and examined it. "Nabiki! You and Kasumi are on here!" Akane indicated. Akane recoiled internally. "Well, Daddy engaged Ranma to his daughters, so all three of us are official fiancees," Nabiki insisted. "He engaged me to ONE of his daughters!" "Turns out he said 'Ranma will marry my daughters' when he and Mr. Saotome made their agreement. So me and Kasumi all jumped on the bandwagon," Nabiki explained, with a smirk. "Man, I just can't seem to get rid of any of my fiancees!!! Let's get this over with," Ranma barked. They all entered the dojo and looked around. Ranma sighed as he looked at all the fiancees assembled. Akane just glared at them. Nabiki smirked. "Now, you all know why you're all here. By various ways you all became engaged to Ranma Saotome here," Nabiki announced and indicated Ranma. A girls voice was heard from the crowd, "That's Ranma Saotome?". A cute young teenage girl stormed out the door. "Forget it!" she said as she left. "One down already," Nabiki remarked and then crossed a name off the list with a flourish. Ranma just flinched as a piece of his self-esteem was ripped out with the sweep of a pen. "To help narrow the choices for Ranma, we have setup this meeting," Nabiki started to explain, but then stopped and yelled, "HEY! Shampoo! Stop attacking the other fiancees or you'll be disqualified!!! And you know what that means!" A very scared Shampoo stopped and sat down, wiping the blood off one of her bon-bori. "To begin with, we have a list of things some or all of you don't know about Ranma here," Nabiki indicated a depressed Ranma again. "When you hear each item, you can decide to stay or you can leave and renounce all claim on Ranma, for all eternity... even if he dies and comes back to life." "Why do you bring that up, Nabiki?" Ranma asked. "Just covering all the possibilities," Nabiki answered then continued speaking to the crowd of fiancees. "You have all signed the binding contracts AND BELIEVE ME they are unbreakable!" Nabiki smiled a very evil grin. "Leaving the dojo puts them into effect, so if you leave you're out of the running forever! Everyone agreed to these conditions already." "When are we going to start already?" Ranma asked, impatiently. "Just getting there, honey," Nabiki said, with a smile. Ranma blanched. "Now then, let's start on the list," Nabiki began, then stopped with a thought, "Has everyone used the facilities already?" Nabiki looked around the room. All of the more than two hundred and fifty men, women and children in the dojo nodded their heads. Except one. A teenage girl with red hair and yellow and black bandana raised her hand. Nabiki sighed. "Okay Ryoga, make it quick." Ranma cursed himself, internally. The other fiancees moved to let Girl-Ryoga pass. This was not an easy task since they were crammed into every nook and cranny of the dojo. Some hung from the rafters, some looked in through the windows, and one green haired girl appeared to be floating in mid-air. Girl-Ryoga rushed out dragging her umbrella with her. "At least that curse is better than the pig curse," Ranma quipped. "What pig curse?" Akane questioned. "Um, nothing." While Girl-Ryoga was off relieving herself, Ranma took another look at all of his 'fiancees'. He only recognized some of them. He mentally checked off all of the faces he recognized: Ukyo of course; Shampoo; Girl-Ranma ; Kodachi ; Kuno ; Miss Hinako; Kasumi; Kaori Daikoku ; Lum ; Soun ; Happosai ; Cologne ; several girls in green leotards from Kodachi's Rhythmic Gymnastics team ; and the entire female Freshman population of Furinkan High. He then examined some of the girls he doesn't recognize: Five girls in very short mini skirts seem to have legs too long for the rest of their bodies ; a duck ; a redhead in a blue sailor school uniform ; a woman with silver spiky hair and a tail ; a rather regal looking purple haired girl; a pink haired girl who scans the room like she was ready to pounce ; another redhead wearing some sort of body hugging plastic suit; a light-blue haired girl wearing a similar plastic suit, but in white instead of red; and finally a young girl (she barely looked like a teenager) who's short brown hair framed her emotionless face Girl-Ryoga returned, three days later. "Wake up everyone! She's back!" Nabiki yelled. The assembled fiancees all stirred and wiped the sleep out of their eyes. "Can we do this already!" Akane screamed. "Sure thing. Actually twelve fiancees didn't want to wait so they left already! That puts the total down to two hundred forty one fiancees," Nabiki explained. "Oh joy," Ranma intoned, flatly. "Okay, let's hit that list. Item number one!" Nabiki exclaimed, with a flourish. She picked up a bucket of water and splashed Ranma with it. The now female Ranma shook the water out of her hair. "As you can see Ranma is cursed to turn into a girl when splashed with cold water, hot water turns him back to a boy." About a third of the fiancees left. None of the males of course, since they where there for Girl-Ranma anyway. "Next item! Ranma, please." Nabiki gestured to Ranma to make her statement. "I am a guy! Despite my curse, I am a guy! I will always live as a guy!" To prove this she poured hot water over her head. Most of the guys left, including Soun. Happosai and Kuno are the only males who remained. A couple of girls left as well. Updating her clipboard, Nabiki announced, "That brings us down to one hundred thirty-four. Next statement, Ranma." "I am a martial artist and will always be one," Ranma stated, proudly. More of the girls left. "I'll never wear a bra." Happosai left, sobbing into a bra he took off one of the other fiancees. "I don't like older women." Cologne and the old ladle woman left. Miss Hinako is in her young form, so she decided to stay. Kasumi gets up and began leave. "Kasumi! You're not old!" "How nice of you to say so, Ranma," Kasumi smiled sweetly and sat down again. "You're supposed to be reducing them, idiot!" Akane muttered. "So you think Kasumi is an 'old woman'?" Ranma taunted. Akane just remained silent. "I don't like roses," Ranma continued with his list. Kuno and Kodachi left. He grinned widely. Time passed, fiancees left, Shampoo was restrained from beating up fiancees again, Girl-Ryoga got lost again and was disqualified (she only turned around to let someone else out and she vanished), Akane hit Ranma over the head with her mallet, Ranma said something stupid, Akane hit him again, and Mousse flew by looking for Shampoo. Since he wasn't wearing his glasses, he flew right by her face. "I don't really plan on doing anything except martial arts with my life," Ranma finished his list. "Okay I'm out then," Nabiki announced. "But I have to stay to administer the rest of the questions." She consulted her clipboard, then announced, "Looks like we're down to five fiancees now. Ukyo, Shampoo, Girl-Ranma, Kasumi, and Akane." "Still four too many in my opinion," Akane spat. "Five too many in my opinion," Ranma insisted. "Okay, I want each of you to state the reason you want to marry Ranma," Nabiki requested. "Because I love you with every piece of my soul!" Ukyo declared to Ranma. "Because you beat Shampoo and that Amazon law," Shampoo informed them all, then suddenly added, "Oh! Shampoo love you too." "I don't," Akane insisted. "Oh, I just want to make sure that Ranma always feels that he is loved!" Kasumi intoned, sweetly. "Because you're smart, handsome, brave, built like a Greek god, cool, a Sagittarius, almost as good as me with martial arts, and I do know what you look like naked," Girl-Ranma said, with a wink. "So do I!" all the other girls insisted at the same time. From outside a chorus of guys and girls yelled, "Us too!" Ranma shook his head in disgust. "I should never agreed to do that 'Male Hunks' calendar for you, Nabiki!" Ranma muttered. "Okay, Ranma now we'll randomly choose two of them to eliminate. You also have to give some reason that you don't want to marry them, so they don't feel their love is just a game to you," Nabiki explained. She pulled out a bowl and put five names into it. "Pick two Ranma." Ranma reluctantly reached in and grabbed one of the pieces of paper, then he read it, "Girl-Ranma." Girl-Ranma looked sad and started to cry. "I'm sorry Ranma," Ranma began, then he had to keep from going crazy and marry Akane at the fact that he had to dump himself. Or is that herself? "I just can't marry a girl version of myself. It's just too much like marrying a sister. Sorry." "You big stupid perverted jerk! How dare you jilt me!" Girl-Ranma screamed and ran out of the dojo, after she created a Ranma-shaped hole in the roof of the dojo. "Ah, my pig-tailed goddess!" was heard from outside, followed by a muffled "Urk!" A dazed Kuno flew through the doors and out the other side of the dojo. This created a Kuno-shaped hole. After Ranma returned from orbit, Nabiki said, "Four to go, choose another name." Ranma did so and then read the name, "Shampoo. Sorry, but you've always been too pushy." "Shampoo no like this game anymore, Shampoo go back to China," Shampoo declared, as if it was her idea. She got up and left. She stepped in some panda droppings on her way out. "Okay now we're down to three fiancees. We can either stop now and you can just have a four-way marriage or we can go into sudden death!" Nabiki offered. "Shampoo want to play sudden death!" Shampoo yelled from outside. "Go play on the train tracks then!" Akane yelled back. "Okay. Shampoo go find train tracks." No one was willing to do the four-way marriage. Well, Kasumi was momentarily intrigued by the idea, but decided against it. "In that case let's get to it," Nabiki flexed her hands and then began: "Which of you ladies would die for Ranma?" They all raised their hands. Ranma nodded his agreement. "Which of you ladies think Ranma would die for you?" They all raised their hands. Ranma nodded his agreement. "Which of you think you can satisfy Ranma in bed?" Kasumi fainted. Ukyo shoved her hand up fast. Akane blushed and shyly raised her hand. Ranma just looked shyly away. "Okay, Kasumi is out I guess," Nabiki crossed out Kasumi's name on her clipboard. "Which of you would make dinner for Ranma, or in the case of Akane, would never make dinner for Ranma without following the recipe EXACTLY?" Nabiki asked. "That's not fair! You can't have two different conditions in a single question!" Akane insisted. Nabiki showed Akane the list of the sudden death questions, pointing out the disputed question. "These questions were all set up in advance." Akane sulked, but put up her hand to join Ukyo's. "Which of you promise to stop hitting Ranma with assorted weapons and/or drugging him? Both hands went up. "Hey, Ranma want to flip a coin yet?" Nabiki asked Ranma. "Not really, that's too much like making a choice," Ranma replied. "Baka," everyone said, even Kasumi who returned to consciousness long enough to say it. "Okay I'm getting sick of this already, lets do the last two questions and then you have to choose your future wife by yourself." "But..." Ranma sputtered. "You agreed to these seven sudden death questions and then you'd choose a fiancee yourself!" Nabiki explained and showed Ranma the contract he signed. "Pushy paper pusher!" Ranma cursed. "Oh, I'm hurt," Nabiki feigned being hurt. "Okay, here we go: Which of you have kissed Ranma? For real." Both of the remaining fiancees looked at each other and shook their heads 'no'. "Okay, let's do that now. Akane as the first fiancee you can go first," Nabiki said. "Um, Ukyo can go first..." Akane looked away shyly. Ukyo grinned and slid seductively over to Ranma. Ranma gulped. Ukyo gave Ranma a long kiss, only breaking it when Nabiki turned the hose on them. "Your turn Akane," Nabiki said, as she poured hot water over Ranma's head to turn her male again. Akane looked nervously into his eyes. "Um, do I have to?" "Only if you want to marry him," Nabiki asserted. "Who said I want to marry this pervert?" "Why else have you stuck around this long?" "Um, well... because of my family honor," Akane stammered. "The contract you signed cleared your family of any dishonor should you not become the 'One True Ranma Fiancee'." "Um, well... I didn't want to hurt Ranma's feelings." "Why do you always call him a pervert and idiot all the time then?" "Um, well... because he calls me un-cute!" "Do you really think he believes you're un-cute?" "When did this become a group therapy session?" "Oh sorry, just kiss him already, you can even sign this 'The kiss means nothing' waver," Nabiki offered and handed a piece of paper to Akane. Akane read it. "Can I get my lawyer to look this over!" "I'm your lawyer and I wrote it! Just sign it!" Nabiki commanded. Akane signed it, and handed it back to Nabiki muttering something about 'conflict of interest'. "Okay kiss him already!" Akane slowly leaned into Ranma and gave him a sweet little kiss. She thought for a second and then gave him a longer, more passionate, kiss. "Okay either of you want to withdraw now?" Neither of them did. Ranma just sat dazed from the kisses. "Last question: What is the meaning of life?" Nabiki asked. Everyone just gaped at her for a few seconds. "Martial arts," Ranma replied. "I'm asking your fiancees, not you Ranma!" Nabiki scolded him. "Sorry." "Try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book now and then, get some walking in, and try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations," Akane stated, confidently. "Martial arts," Ukyo declared. Nabiki pulled out a gold envelope and opens it. She pulled out a card and read it aloud, "You both got it partially right. It says: Try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book now and then, get some walking in, practice martial arts, and try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations." Akane slapped herself in the head, then said, "Dang, knew I should have added the martial arts part!!" "Okay since they both got at least part of the answer they both pass. Ranma you have to choose one of them yourself. NOW!" Ranma looked uncomfortable. "Um, well between the two of you I'd have to choose..." he paused. "Betty-chan!" Ranma leapt up, pulled a skeleton out of nowhere, and started to dance with it. Mostly a waltz, but a touch of tango was thrown in to get more style points. "No fair going 'Dr. Tofu' on us!" Akane screamed and broke some bones. Mostly Betty-chan's, but a few of Ranma's as well. "Dr. Tofu?" Kasumi muttered, although she was still unconscious. "Un-cute tomboy." "Make a choice already," all three conscious women screamed. "Well... err... um..." Ranma stammered. "Okay plan B, ladies." Ukyo and Akane each grabbed one of Ranma's arms and spread them apart. "Ranma, unless you choose right now, they start pulling. I'm sure you know that they are both pretty strong. Better hurry," Nabiki threatened. "I never agreed to this!" Ranma complained as the two girls started pulling on his arms, hard. "Choose me!" Ukyo pleaded. "Choose her!" Akane insisted. Ranma looked at Akane with a puzzled look. He winced in pain as the girls continued to pull his arms off. "Dang, hate to go to plan C," Nabiki said, after an hour of pulling. She picked up Ukyo's spatula and prepared to swing it at Ranma. "Since no one can choose, I'll cut him in half and you can each have half of him." Ranma thought Nabiki was kidding. Akane knew she wasn't. Ukyo just tried to decide which half she wanted, "Hmmm... do I want top or bottom? Or left or right?" "Stop! I love Akane!" Ranma shouted. "I want to marry her!" As she let go of Ranma's arm, Ukyo sighed and said, " Well duh! It's about time you admit it!" Akane wiped her forehead, and exclaimed, "It's about time you admit it! Baka!" "You are so stubborn sometimes Ranma! Do you know how expensive it was to pay all those girls to go along with this ploy?" Nabiki asserted. "What? This was all just a setup?" Ranma sputtered. "I take it back, I don't like that un-cute tomboy!" "Give it up! We broadcast the admission live to the world," Nabiki said, pointing out a small camera in the rafters. "I actually made quite a profit on the broadcast rights I sold. For some reason, allot of people all over the world wanted to see you admit that you love Akane." Ranma just collapsed and shook his head. "No... No... It's not fair!" "Well, guess that it's then, he's all yours Akane. Good luck with the jerk," Ukyo said sadly. "Ya, like I'm going to marry him after it took him that long to admit it. Baka," Akane said, as she left with Ukyo. "Well, that's the last of your fiancees, Ranma. Guess you're free now," Nabiki said, dragging Kasumi out with her. Ranma just sat sadly in the dojo, alone. His shoulders slumped and he stared at the knots in the floorboard. "Free??? Free from commitment? Free from mallet blows? Free from glomps? Free from poison? Free from assorted perverts, freaks, and sickos?" He went silent for several minutes. "Free from love." More silence. Then suddenly he leapt to his feet and exclaimed, "Oh well! Another fiancee will show up soon enough!" "Baka!" was heard from outside from around two hundred and fifty assorted people. [Finish] ======================================================================= Email me at: mailto: jimlazar@earthlink.net with comments and/or criticisms (no flames please) or to join my pre-reader list. http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar/anime Revision 1.0 May 14, 1998 Authors notes: I wrote this short story over a couple of nights where I didn't have anything better to do. Just another look into Ranma's fiancee collecting hobby. I had to fight my urge to have Akane and Ranma get together at the end, when I started the story I promised this one wouldn't end that way. The meaning of life answer is from 'Monty Python's - The Meaning of Life' of course. Most of the other questions and answers are just made up or common Ranma knowledge. Don't take this one too seriously folks. I'd like to thank my pre-readers: Lizard, David Johnston, and Anthony Pardilla. Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched characters are my fault. Revision 1.0 Š First posting